LA Noire for PC has serious problems, despite the reviewer love affairs with it.


I am refusing to review it at this point because I think it doesn’t meet my minimum standards for a PC game. Here are some of my beefs: 1. The game is capped at 30 frames-per-second. Hey, Rockstar Games, I didn’t buy better than two grand in high-end hardware and build my own rig to play games at 30 FPS! 2. The driving aspects suck and you have to do it for hours. The map is huge and trying to navigate it for me turned into a mixed of frustrating bumper cars and boredom. 3. The game is really little more than a warmed-over console port. From the lack of full mouse support in the opening menu to the 30 FPS cap — this thing is NOT a PC port. Rather, it wants to turn my monster rig into a console emulator. My response: Emulate this! 4. Most damning, the game WANTS to pass itself off as a police procedural. OK, then why does it make an absolute hash of proper police procedures. In the VERY FIRST CASE the cop you are playing PICKS UP A MURDER WEAPON at a crime scene with his BARE HAND and then inspects it WITH BOTH HANDS. Hey copper, ever heard of these things called “fingerprints”? Did you know that sometimes killers leave them on murder weapons? The lab boys are going to just LOVE YOU For putting your cop mitts all over that gat when they try to dust it for prints. I basically lost interest in the game after that. If they can’t get something THAT BASIC right, then I had little faith what followed would be any better.

Oh, and 5, the game has no save/reload function. It is checkpoint saves all the way baby. WTF? Is it 1995 all over again? Why CAN’T I save my progress like darn near every other game on the market in the PC world?

For a game that wants to be a police procedural, how I did things didn’t seem to matter much. Leave my patrol car in the street and run a mile to the crime scene? No problem! Drive the entire route on the sidewalk taking out lamp posts? Cool. It isn’t like anyone or anything is going to interact with me anyway.

Seriously, I can drive by miles of warehouses and flophouses and such — but all of them are as interactive as painted scenery. Who cares if 1947 LA is rendered with accuracy if the drives are boring? I can’t actually enter 99% of the structures or even get a hotdog at a stand. A sub-routine that simply generated a string of generic city buildings as a backdrop would have done just as well.

At this point I have deleted the local content from Steam and really have no intention of ever venturing into the game again. The 30 FPS cap, lack of save options, lackluster PC controls, and EPIC FAIL of basic evidence handling by supposedly trained police officers is simply too much. Toss in the prospect of hours of driving around (as much fun as stubbing your toe) and you have the perfect storm of “I REALLY want to play something else”.

In this case, the something else is Skyrim. Maybe after I get 200 or so hours in the snowy lands of the Nords I will get tempted to give LA Noire another try. Or, maybe not…

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